Some are called to it. Some fall into it. Some have never considered it seriously while others have acknowledged it all of their lives and will not act on it. I think that a few would admit to feeling like it would be a selfish pursuit; too indulgent to consider if you have responsibilities like a mortgage and a kid and a tuition payment that rivals the aforementioned mortgage.
I’m referring to that little passion of yours. That thought in the back of your head that tempts you occasionally. The answer that you immediately albeit silently arrive at when someone gives you one of those quizzes or you see a wall somewhere with the simple question: If time and money were no object, what would you be doing?
I have been shaping my next chapter for awhile now. The seeds of the idea came to me shortly after my father died. As I sit here in the divine moment where circumstances pushed my opportunity to the forefront instead of the back burner where I had willingly left it while I helped another someone else achieve their life goal; what I know for certain is that there is no other time but now to complete my work and fulfill my karmic destiny.
And that everything which happened up until this point happened exactly as it should.
Here’s the thing about the pursuit: it requires more bravery than I ever imagined. There is an undercurrent of emotions ready to pull you down at any moment when you decide to invest in yourself and put all the chips on the table, once and for all, bet your future that your pursuit will result in unyielding rewards, happiness and prosperity beyond what you’ve imagined.
The biggest of these emotions is fear. Under a blanket of fear lies many variations of the same paralyzing tune - fear of failure, fear that you can’t pay the bills, that you don’t have what it takes, that you will lose the respect of your peers, of your family…your husband…your daughter. The greatest of these losses and the top-dog fear is that the thing that kept you going all this time, the one perfect vision you have of yourself, the one you have been telling yourself since you were 7 years old is nothing but a big fat lie and you, dear, a fraud.
So it appears this endeavor is not for the faint hearted. It’s not for the delusional or egotistical either. If you are not immediately humbled by your shortcomings as you embark on this effort, then, well. Perhaps it will be a whole lot easier for you.
For me, I can see the battleground ahead and it requires skills I don’t yet possess. I know I need to stretch and grow and change, and frankly on some days, like someone being pushed to their personal limit with a fitness trainer - I just want to run the other way. See, it is so much easier to hold this dream out in the future, just beyond my reach, perhaps next year. Something that I may always strive to attain, but don’t have the balls to take action toward.
And yet this time I do. Every day, I move forward. Circumstance has collided with opportunity and my destiny - my happy - is right here, right now. What I can tell you unequivocally is that once you are doing what you are meant to do, using those talents you have in all the right ways, not denying that karmic destiny - you will be fulfilled beyond your imagination. Riddled with fear and doubt and insecurity at times - yes! But…happy.
I found my happy. Are you brave enough to find yours?
I held onto my secrets for years. Decades, actually. And there are many reasons why. Reasons that anyone who has endured it — lived it — will understand. But only those who have endured it — lived it — will.
I’m writing this for everyone else.
I love you, but I’ve got to let you go.
Each time our paths cross I open my heart with renewed hope that it will be different somehow. And each time I walk away feeling empty.
My dear (____________), I realize now that at some point, I gave away my power to you. I was rebuilding my life, creating it piece by piece, and in all of its uncertainty and tender roots, I shyly let a chosen few in to tread softly and take a peek. I wanted to share my trepidation and fear and doubt and exhilaration and sheer anticipation with you. So I gave you permission to validate me. In no small way I longed for it. But it never came.