Some are called to it. Some fall into it. Some have never considered it seriously while others have acknowledged it all of their lives and will not act on it. I think that a few would admit to feeling like it would be a selfish pursuit; too indulgent to consider if you have responsibilities like a mortgage and a kid and a tuition payment that rivals the aforementioned mortgage.
I’m referring to that little passion of yours. That thought in the back of your head that tempts you occasionally. The answer that you immediately albeit silently arrive at when someone gives you one of those quizzes or you see a wall somewhere with the simple question: If time and money were no object, what would you be doing?
I have been shaping my next chapter for awhile now. The seeds of the idea came to me shortly after my father died. As I sit here in the divine moment where circumstances pushed my opportunity to the forefront instead of the back burner where I had willingly left it while I helped another someone else achieve their life goal; what I know for certain is that there is no other time but now to complete my work and fulfill my karmic destiny.
And that everything which happened up until this point happened exactly as it should.
Here’s the thing about the pursuit: it requires more bravery than I ever imagined. There is an undercurrent of emotions ready to pull you down at any moment when you decide to invest in yourself and put all the chips on the table, once and for all, bet your future that your pursuit will result in unyielding rewards, happiness and prosperity beyond what you’ve imagined.
The biggest of these emotions is fear. Under a blanket of fear lies many variations of the same paralyzing tune - fear of failure, fear that you can’t pay the bills, that you don’t have what it takes, that you will lose the respect of your peers, of your family…your husband…your daughter. The greatest of these losses and the top-dog fear is that the thing that kept you going all this time, the one perfect vision you have of yourself, the one you have been telling yourself since you were 7 years old is nothing but a big fat lie and you, dear, a fraud.
So it appears this endeavor is not for the faint hearted. It’s not for the delusional or egotistical either. If you are not immediately humbled by your shortcomings as you embark on this effort, then, well. Perhaps it will be a whole lot easier for you.
For me, I can see the battleground ahead and it requires skills I don’t yet possess. I know I need to stretch and grow and change, and frankly on some days, like someone being pushed to their personal limit with a fitness trainer - I just want to run the other way. See, it is so much easier to hold this dream out in the future, just beyond my reach, perhaps next year. Something that I may always strive to attain, but don’t have the balls to take action toward.
And yet this time I do. Every day, I move forward. Circumstance has collided with opportunity and my destiny - my happy - is right here, right now. What I can tell you unequivocally is that once you are doing what you are meant to do, using those talents you have in all the right ways, not denying that karmic destiny - you will be fulfilled beyond your imagination. Riddled with fear and doubt and insecurity at times - yes! But…happy.
I found my happy. Are you brave enough to find yours?
When last we left this saga, I had come out the other side of two intense years of obsessive hate games a newer, lighter version of myself, the result of the gifts of my required spiritual growth. (Do you need to catch up? Hate Games. What To Do When You Are The Target of Someone’s Hate. From a Spiritual Perspective). Or listen to the Audio Version, read by me.
My teachers came in the form of two neighbors who I refer to as Mr. and Mrs. X. To briefly sum up the situation: I was President of our neighborhood Home Owners’ Association Board; they decided to paint their brick without permission; we asked them to stop and take the paint off; they asked me to intervene on their behalf to sway the Board in their favor. I did not. They retaliated by spying on my husband and I, taking photos and videos of us and then creating stories about all the nefarious ways in which we were a neighborhood nuisance.